Gratitude during the Growing Pains

I'm grateful for the wisdom of knowing I'm hurting and for the courage of desiring to heal. For eight years I've used alcohol to cope, I'm four months sober and this is the longest I've consecutively gone without a drink and this shit is tough. So many times I just want to pull up at my favorite liquor store and buy a 750ml of tequila. It won't end my problems but it'll help me forget them momentarily. My twenties have been the most uncomfortable stage in my life, I'm getting older but still trying to figure this life shit out all while continuously making so many mistakes. Despite the many growing pains I face daily there are many things I am grateful for as well. I'm so grateful I have a voice and can advocate for myself, I now voice my likes and dislikes. I've grown so much as a woman, looking back on who I was at just nineteen years old is a completely different person. I have so much more growing to do on my journey but it's nice to recognize and see small changes throughout my young adult life. How I allow people to speak to me and treat me has improved tremendously. They say self love is the "best love" and I never questioned once if I loved myself, it seemed like a common sense thing, but as I began my journey of finding myself I realized I lacked self love immensely. The realization shook me to my core. This should've come easily and it didn't. Everyday I have to make a conscious decision to love myself. I can admit I haven't fully gotten there but I will. Embarrassment, guilt, and shame weigh down on me heavily, learning to forgive myself for past mistakes has lessened this slightly. As I heal many people are no longer apart of my life. I've mourned the emotional attachment to many people of my past life, even the people who didn't have my best interest at heart. It's extremely hard forgiving people who've hurt me, but I can't carry the burden of sadness and misery, I deserve to release it. This journey has been unimaginably lonely. Toxicity and pain used to comfort me when I was in a dark place, now the thought of it disturbs and upsets my soul. I want to be in the presence of people with good intentions for not only me but for themselves as well. I can't entertain negativity, gossip or stagnancy. Disinterested men, relatives, and people I thought were my true friends were the first to be cut out of my life. Distance has given me so much clarity on my life and personal goals. I'm not perfect and would never portray that to the world, I'm learning as I grow just like everyone else and as I figure out my next steps I'm working on being better too. I want to speak with the intent of being concise yet graceful. I want to be soft in spite of life experiences that have hardened me. I want to embody compassion and empathy. I truly believe all of the positive inner-work we do for ourselves comes full circle into our everyday lives. You never know whose day you can impact simply by being pleasant or offering a warm smile. During these growing pains I let a lot of qualities I once possessed fall to the wayside, self assurance being one of them. I remember at one point in my life being so sure of everything. Sure of who I was, sure of my morals and what I stood for, sure of my career path and where I would be in ten years. Waking up and realizing life is full of road blocks and new routes and witnessing all your former plans being delayed can put you in a funk. The fear of failing has halted so many of my dreams and aspirations. I'll be twenty-seven next year and I want my last years of my twenties leading into thirty to be enjoyable. I have the right groundwork and as I grow into who I am I'm optimistic the best is yet to come. I've wanted to start a blog for a very long time and this first entry is a beautiful start. I love being able to be transparent and my hope is that this reaches someone wishing to embark upon a new journey or someone who simply needs to know they aren't alone, these growing pains won't last forever but with gratitude in the midst of it all we're only going to come out of it our happiest and highest self.

All ways always with love,

Shakihya Monique