Socially Drinking Vs Drinking to Cope

Many adults will tell you they experimented with drugs or alcohol as early as middle school. They all might have different reasons behind the "why" though. Peer pressure or pure curiosity are usually amongst the top answers. My earliest memory of me actively seeking to get ahold of alcohol is probably around seventeen — I wouldn't have my first taste of alcohol until eighteen.

Before ever trying alcohol I smoked Marijuana for the very first time a few months after my eighteenth birthday, I was simply curious and wanted to know what being "high" felt like. The first time I smoked I panicked. It felt like my throat was closing up and I couldn't breathe. After a few minutes of calming myself down my high set in and it was the greatest feeling I'd ever experienced in my young adult life. As the night continued and my high slightly came down I worried that I would appear "high" to my mother when I arrived home. Again I calmed myself down and hurried to my bedroom once I arrived home. I got some of the best sleep. This made me very happy because I'd suffered from insomnia along with other sleep issues the previous year. I remember smoking nearly everyday following my first experience with the drug. My first high was definitely the best one, it wasn't as exciting as the first time ever again. Marijuana began affecting my daily routine I would get really bad headaches and I became forgetful at work. I decided to stop. Looking back I had no business getting high. I didn't know anything about the drug and just assumed whatever I was consuming into my body was harmless. I was very careless, I'd smoke with people, or give people the money to purchase the marijuana for me... not thinking twice about any of the consequences. Next up I tried alcohol, most people drink socially at clubs or small parties, and this is how it began for me — but my reason for wanting alcohol in the first place was far deeper. I wanted to escape my thoughts and feel peace. Everyone who drank alcohol seemed happier. I was desperately looking for an outlet to forget my pain and sadness. I sipped so little of the very first drink I had I doubt it even made it into my system, I mixed it with a quick stop slushy and could barely taste any of the vodka. My mother had always told me I couldn't drink until I was of legal age at twenty-one and even warned me of teenagers dying from alcohol poisoning. I think that was permanently ingrained into my mind and caused me to be fearful based on the small amount I consumed the first time.By the next time I was feeling brave, and consumed more resulting in me becoming "tipsy".

I felt warm inside and giggly, my eyes got so low I thought they'd get stuck shut, after that I wanted to drink every time I partied or hung out with friends. Being intoxicated felt so exhilarating and empowering, I thought I had control over my drinking but I didn't. The bad started to outweigh the good. I realized I had a problem about six months in— whereas my friends and associates I hung out with were satisfied with drinks just for the night of partying, I would still be looking for another drink upon waking up —I would always keep a bottle or two behind my nightstand in my bedroom. I never wanted to get low on alcohol or worse run out of it completely. I would take a couple of shots every night before bed. I got the best sleep just as the marijuana had done for me previously, but I soon noticed a change in my temperament.

If I didn't have alcohol I got angry with the people around me, I couldn't focus on simple activities without a drink, something as minuscule as going to a movie theater was a hassle and too long of a time. I could barely go to the mall, nail salons or anywhere else sober. I never showed up to work drunk but I had many long shifts dealing with massive hangovers and it was all beginning to be too much. I even started shoplifting so I'd have extra money for alcohol. My only priority on paycheck day was to have enough cash for the liquor store, which left me with very little to spend on things I actually needed. I'm ashamed to admit I even drove drunk a few times. I could've killed myself or worse taken someone else's life. I feel extremely grateful that I never hurt anyone, but it doesn't erase the shame of how out of control my life had gotten so quickly. I say all of this to ask you are you socially drinking? or are you dependent on alcohol and drugs? If you answered yes to the latter, ask yourself why? and what you're trying to run away from or avoid? It has taken me eight years to finally address my unhealthy relationship with alcohol. If you've read my first blog entry you know I've been sober a little over four months. I'm not sure if I'll ever drink again but if I do it'll be when I feel I have a healthy relationship with alcohol without becoming dependent on it again. Confronting the painful trauma and hardships of our lives is never easy and doing so won't magically make us feel happy all of time. Healing isn't linear but instead a conscious decision we make daily to choose happiness. I promise you the journey is worth it and the sought after happiness you seek is attainable. I will never stop seeking a better tomorrow and I hope you won't either.

All ways always with love,

Shakihya Monique